Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
