I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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