True but thats because hes a fetus.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
