Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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