I smell stomach acid.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
