I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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