I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
time to smoke my breakfast
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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