its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
two words...techno handjob
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize