You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
