trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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