Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
