i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
