The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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