i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
