my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
