Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
