Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
