apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
