I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
