if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
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