Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
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