i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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