Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
