I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Let's get the cat blown out
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
