meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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