I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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