My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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