My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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