I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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