i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
