Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
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