so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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