i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
