he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Randomize
