I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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