Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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