I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
