i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
