he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Randomize
