what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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