They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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