Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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