I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
