I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
