I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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