Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
