Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
