there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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