he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
