who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
