remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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