I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
