I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
