Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
