What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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