I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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