I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
