Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
