I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
