Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
i out mim tonsoeep
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
