I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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