you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
