rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
