If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
