wrigley field is MILF paradise
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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